BLOG POST// Why I’m Leaving My Mother’s </3

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A year ago I stopped talking to my older brother after he promised to end his descent into drug addiction but failed to follow through. He has bullied, intimidated, and enacted violence upon me my entire life, my hope was to work on our relationship as he embraced emotional and physical sobriety. We only started communicating again after my grandmother fell and our family was heart-broken and afraid.

Since then, I have continued a variety of approaches to improve our relationship, including one-on-one conversations which most often deteriorated into him going on rambling monologues, sometimes yelling at me, sometimes yelling at others. I played communication games with him, which he rejected before completion and had our entire immediate family talk in a support circle during which he was curled up on a couch in his underwear (Though I was its facilitator we had all scheduled the meeting together.)

Whenever I hang out with him and his friends, I know that everyone in the room but me is a homophobe. So when I have attempted to experience his social circle, see what he sees, I am barraged by casual and overt insults against my identity, simple facts of the human race, and all of the people I care about and work for. More on that.

I stopped talking to him this year after a string of disastrous (hurtful to me, normal to him) interactions, that culminated in Paul ignoring the fact that I was clearly attempting to ignore him & escalating to screaming outside of my bedroom door and threatening to fuck me up for the rest of the day after I called my mother to calm him down. I didn’t go home for a few days, until my mother said she would take his behavior more seriously and let him know he could not threaten me.

A few days ago, after weeks of non-communication he was yelling outside of my door again despite my protests to please just leave me alone.

I have been having nightmares every night for the past two months where I am arguing with my family as they call me my dead name over and over again. The months before were dominated by dreams with my brother and I in a screaming match. Now I have both!

Two days ago I got in the car with my mother and she was on the phone with my grandmother. A week before my mom and I had argued all the way home from dinner about me not feeling respected by my family (including my grandparents) and not wanting to communicate with them because I felt belittled and hurt by them on a constant basis in terms of my sexuality, my life choices, my artistry, my politics, my name, my identity. The first thing my grandmother did was call me my dead name, fake correct herself, and then exert dominance over me.

Most of this is run-of-the-mill conservatism, but run-of-the-mill conservatism is the most dangerous, traumatic force on the planet. It codes its actions in everlasting “love” when it’s really a deep, burning hatred borne of fear. That is insane to behold, devastating to casually interact with, and it is too much for me to deal with right now in this place. Or just, not meant for me to deal with right now in this place. I got bigger tofu to fry.

Basically, these things are holding me back from being who I truly am and I have the confidence, knowledge, and connections intimate professional & tangential to make my dreams come true.

Here is my eight week plan:

I write this as a record and a spell to tell this history and seal it.

Write and complete my second novel, entitled Hateland
Enjoy, maintain, and utilize the Nightshow for good

by

a) Booking people and things I like
b) Using the Nightshow to promote #NoMoneyNoBorders games and thinking and speaking among the people who come to a cool show
c) Using the Nightshow to fund, benefit, and spread awareness of protecting people in our community with through F12 and conflict de-escalation & protecting and enjoying our Earth more through The Coop Op and growing your own food!!

Make a badass, galvanizing album called ~MILLION BEAM~ with songs that embody all of the above

Teach and promote my personal communication workshops and services

Explore opportunities to generate income from leading and organizing services through F12, The Cooperation Operation, and music.

Multiply all of the above for myself and others by [endless]ly using each endeavor to multiply awareness, effectiveness, and potential profitability of all of the above.

At the end of two months, I’ll look at my results and if no meaningful income-driven change has taken place I will get back to pursuing writing and education/teaching opportunities freelance and long-term *while maintaining my activity in all of the above.

Right now, I’m not making any money and I have none~ Can I stay with you for a week?

+

ESSAY// VIEWS: Album of the Year Edition

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“But unlike his earlier solo efforts, Sign “O” the Times wasn’t a record by an ambitious kid trying to make impression. At 28, Prince had already made himself into a pop superstar  (and movie star too), and he easily sold out arenas. In one sense, he had nothing to prove. Yet Sign “O” the Times is the most varied, accomplished record of his prime 1980s period, a testament to the range of his gifts and the bold artistic ambition that gave his music shape.” ~ Pitchfork

Previously.

The reason why it’s not STARBOY is because Drake isn’t sounding like Michael Jackson in the future, he’s sounding like Drake in the future. The reason why it’s not The Life of Pablo is because Views is easier to listen to. The reason why it’s not LEMONADE is because Views is easier to listen to. Drake is, if you want to listen to it that way, furious throughout for sure. Just like Pablo and Bey, Drake is terrified and at the end of his rope and fighting for his fucking life and the lives of his family and friends.

But he never screams his heart out or has a multi-part breakdown. He and his collaborators stay ice cold~ even the warmest, most bounciest beats have a grim determination undergirding them. There’s an unshakeable momentum to the music, a timely airtight-ness. VIEWS is the album that got humanity through this year, it’s the sound of the biggest star in the world on the eve of revolution.

The reason why it’s not Coloring Book is Drake doesn’t sound like Kanye anymore. I mean, everybody sounds like Kanye but Chance the Rapper REALLY sounds like Kanye; he sanded the edges off Graduation and brought it to the present. However, candy-coated Christianity can only take one so far in the real world and Lord knows it’s taken us far enough, thank you but please no thank you! Drake keeps it real. Chance’s “Blessings” aren’t actually coming for you: you’re not as handsome as he is and your dad isn’t friends with Obama. You’re not going to blow up without a record deal! But you might be able to get your ex back if you can grit your teeth for long enough through all of life’s beat changes and let da riddim guide you through the God-less, gunshotted summer. Better yet, you might even find someone new. Imagine that.

The reason why it’s not Solange is because that album is too slow. The reason why it’s not Blonde is because that album is too sad! The reason why it’s not your album is because your album isn’t this sexy or well-produced and it doesn’t have “Hotline Bling” as a bonus track.

More Life is on the way.

+’s SIX MONTH PLAN as President of the World is now available

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The President & 1stBoi

This speech was given at Hostel Earphoria on October 8, 2016. (VIDEO)

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THE TEXT

I would like to start by taking a moment of silence for the life of Corvus Humphries aka Chrono. ~~ Chrono, you are loved.

In two days, I am leading a communication and conflict resolution workshop for the Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative at Northern Illinois University. In the following months I will continue to lead workshops, conduct mediations, facilitations, and lead and be led in trainings based around community engagement, education, and communication. Also I am a rapper.

I’m all about the call and response. And I hear you. I hear you Nicollete trying to bring conflict resolution to your Inglewood students. I hear all of you  in my facebook message requests (when i can remember to check them), asking what’s up with FASN because your venue really is committed to having support liasons at your shows. I hear you Jamila, trying to work on checking in with your fam.

I will move through this world with purpose and clarity, on the straight edge of sobriety, making this world safer for people of types who want to go to shows and not have to suffer through scary conversation and constant inebriation. With thoughtful partners, I will subvert and enhance these spaces, make workshops out of wastelands and invent choruses out of dischord.

There are several big issues on our mind as a planet. The foremost, of course, being the climate crisis. How can we, as humans, restructure our communities and resources in ways that are sustainable. How can we exist ethically, healthily, while staying true to the promise of forward progress? And how should we, the people of the future, police ourselves?

The Cooperation Operation rose from the ashes of the Occupy movement. We were an intentionally leaderless organization of young people that came together to transform a vacant lot on the Southside of Chicago into a little slice of paradise. There were moments, our ribbon cutting ceremony, summer talks on the back porch, the first time the sunflowers bloomed on what was once a toxic wasteland, where utopia was ours.

Though that same flame still burns, we have grown up. We are not intentionally leaderless anymore. We are leaders of a new world and we recognize that the next phase of the Coop Op is to take greater responsibility for meaningfully involving the community around us in building that world, right from the center of the universe on the Southside of Chicago. Here, we protect the environment while we feeding those today who otherwise would not have been fed yesterday.

As President of the World, I pledge to extend the work my partners at The Coop Op have cultivated these past growing seasons throughout Chicago and the world and provide opportunities for artists and organizers like myself to transform fallow wastelands into creative utopias. To give little black boys and girls tiny little shovels and knowledge of our most sacred cycles. To cut down emissions from food traveling across the world while/by giving people everything they need to grow everything they need right down the street from where they live. Let me know what you need to get involved in the gardens across Chicago reversing the tide, quite literally, of our rising seas and dying trees.

They don’t want us to win. They want us broke. They want us miserable.

THEY don’t want us to win because of capitalism, where dollar signs hide food, water, and knowledge. Where life is conditional, where love comes after violence. We all know it. In a world where we call for alternatives while struggling to stop the violence that seems to come from every direction.

I, the president of the world, am an anarchist and an ardent advocate and practitioner of transformative justice. In the Cooperation Operation, in my home life, and elsewhere, I believe in forgiveness and communication above all else. That’s why I need Feminist Action Support Network. That’s why i believe we need it. The past year we, at FASN, experimented with responses to sexual violence in our arts community. Many of my closest friends have been affected and continue to be affected by this societal disease.

We failed. A lot. We cried, people did not heal, and yet the feeling deep down is good. Because we tried. And there were serious positive impacts. With the advice and support of our friends and peers we shifted the current culture of our DIY community using the tools granted to us by punks in Philly, by the femme black activists over at Project NIA, and indigenous people from hundreds of years ago. We are able to synthesize this information into better & more inclusive practices and resist the oppression of capitalism to get free from this culture of violence.

I want you to be the mediators & Support Liasons. I’m just a door.

We are a rising alternative to this police state, a rising where communities of people are trained in understanding the causes and effects of violence and can contain and heal that violence without resorting to guns and handcuffs, electric chairs and prison cells.

Round the city round the clock, everybody needs you. And we need everybody. In the following months, I pledge to do my part to revitalize and stabilize the Feminist Action Support Network. We play an essential part in the movement and the artists, as ever, are on the vanguard of this very necessary stuff.

I love you and I’ll see you in six months.

+

a life of meaning vol. 2 is now available

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THE SICK MUSE is a semi-monthly zine featuring lyrics, paintings, poetry, and musings from the underground scene in Chicago. Find them in stock at Quimby’s Bookstore, Permanent Records, Bucket O’Blood Records, Saki Records, Reckless Records, ECO, and a (not) DIY show near you!!

This is +’s essay from The Sick Muse vol. 5, released this week, accompanying a revolutionary sticker collection, part of +’s ongoing a life of meaning multimedia project.

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U.S. Presidents have said a lot of nice things about art over the years~ perhaps most famous is John F. Kennedy’s speech at Amherst College in 1963, a partial eulogy for the poet Robert Frost, where Kennedy says “I see little of more importance to the future of our country and our civilization than full recognition of the place of the artist.” In 2014, current president Barack Obama stated that “the arts are central to who we are as a people.” And a few years ago, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton wrote to Vanity Fair:

“In my line of work, we often talk about the art of diplomacy as we try to make people’s lives a little better around the world. But, in fact, art is also a tool of diplomacy. It reaches beyond governments, past the conference rooms and presidential palaces, to help us connect with more people in more places. It is a universal language in our search for common ground, an expression of our shared humanity.”

She’s kind of talking about art as “soft power”: a persuasive approach to international relations, typically involving the use of economic or cultural influence. However, I’ve been fascinated lately with thinking of what art might be like as “hard” power. What if we could, to paraphrase singer Frank Ocean, actually draw on fantasy to make things hyperreal? When I watched Hillary’s husband, former president Bill Clinton, talk about her political career during a speech at the 2016 Democratic National Convention, a major theme was her existence as a Change Maker. She would pick up a phone or go to someone’s office building or sign off on a bill and suddenly thousands of parents would be able to take their child to preschool or a hundred clinics would stay open. It made me think of how I can’t do that; no matter what I put in a song, my words are just words that you’ll soon forget.

The purpose of a life of meaning is to empower a new connection between real life and popular art ~*~*~*

There’s an imaginary land of freedom and peace that music often refers to- think John Lennon’s “Imagine,” or The Staple Singers’ “I’ll Take You There.” I believe that place exists as a physical reality right on the other side of the political condition that we live in. The Staples family can’t actually take you through that looking glass the way a politician can but placing these stickers on plants, walls, on bedroom doors and bathroom stalls works to realize the potential of our greatest art and our purest selves.

In past writing, I’ve defined love as “a state of mutual vulnerability.” I meant it both emotionally and as a political definition. That’s how it appears, too, in Beyoncé’s new visual album LEMONADE as the personal reconciliation of Bey x Jay gives way to images of mothers of young black men killed by law enforcement. Beyoncé’s happy ending for these mothers – their “Freedom” – portrays black women growing food together in a boundary-less community. Here, class isn’t a factor: literally everyone has a seat at the table. There are no prisons. I feel like it’s my responsibility to state without ambiguity that there is only one political concept that encompasses LEMONADE’s perfect reality. It’s already championed by millions of people all over the world and it’s called Anarchism.